Mac is at the gym trying to get in using Dennis’ membership. “You’re jamming me up!” The guy at the counter won’t let Mac in, but Mac becomes more interested in his ex-sex buddy Carmen, the tranny. He notices her great cameltoe and assumes she’s got the penis tucked in real nice, but she tells him she got the surgery! It’s gone and she’ll all woman now. But Mac wonders why she didn’t give him a call once she got it cut off.
Turns out she’s married to Nick, a big black guy.
Mac goes back to the pub and tells them all about not being able to get his pump on, just as the rest of the gang can’t believe Charlie gave them alley almonds. *insert Coors Light product placement!* He complains that Carmen marrying a guy is gay marriage and that her husband is gay for marrying a tranny.
The gang points out this new guy waited until Carmen got her dick cut off, while Mac was already banging her when she still had it. Beside the point Mac says and proceeds to demonstrate why gay sex is wrong now by trying to put two plugs together. Just doesn’t work.
They all think this is just because Mac is butthurt that the tranny didn’t give him a call, but he says this is all about the “man upstairs getting boxed out.”
“Where is our goddamned bible?!?!” Mac exclaims as the rest of gang think he’s crazy since one’s a guy and the other’s a girl. And anyway, Frank and Dee think everyone should get married. Frank, so that everyone can suffer like him and Dee, so that everyone can enjoy the beautiful institution of marriage.
As Mac leaves, Dennis says he thought he would’ve been married by now.
“What the shit are you talking about?”
Maureen Ponderosa, Dennis remembers. She was his 10th grade girlfriend and they were in love. Charlie remembers her dead tooth. But Dee remembers her brother Bill Ponderosa more, with him being all hot with nice buns.
Later that night, Frank gets Charlie to carry a big box of pennies into the closet, but Charlie ends up slipping a disk and drops ‘em all on the ground.
“I think I slipped a disk man!”
Charlie asks Frank to crack his back and they end up cracking each other back and forth. This is no good, so Charlie suggests they do one of those domestic partnership deals like the gay guys, that way, Charlie can tag along on Frank’s health insurance. Since they’re already friends, why don’t they become “friends with benefits,” Charlie suggests.
They’ll look into it. In the meantime, they’ll keep hitting each other with 2x4s to cover up the pain they’re feeling in their backs.
The next day, Dennis and Dee are at SUBWAY! waiting to meet up with the Ponderosa siblings. Dee starts getting the gagging feeling, which she always did every time she saw Bill back then.
When the Ponderosas arrive, Dennis likes what he sees with Maureen, but Bill… well, he’s not the hot buns guy from high school. He’s actually got one large bun in front of him. He’s married with children anyway and Dee couldn’t have bailed out faster.
Dennis not so subtly tells Bill to leave too and he and Maureen have a seat. He reminisces about the times the fun times they had in the back of her dad’s Datsun. But she gets all emotional remembering her dad committed suicide in the Datsun last year. Dennis changes the subject and she snaps out of it.
Mac back at the gym to see Carmen. He has a bible and reads to her and her husband a line about men with men (“sex in the butt!”) and their perversion and getting punished for that abomination.
“Heheha! Word of the Lord!”
The husband takes the bible and reads a line from Exodus about beating slaves. Mac doesn’t care about that stuff, he is concerned with them and how he’s “banging a dude.”
Carmen points out that Mac slept with her when she was a man and tells him this is just about him being butthurt.
Mac then comes right out and asks What do you see in this guy? He and her are both hard bodies and they can be hard together. Not hard body and her soft bodied husband. Mac thought they agreed to meet up after the procedure, instead “you call this soft body and you gay married him! And now you’re calling me gay. Telling me I’m tripping and trying to confuse me with your liberal Biblicisms. ”
Mac leaves. With his bible.
Charlie and Frank get a lot of paperwork to start the domestic partnership process.
“There’s a lot of jelly in these donuts here, Frank!”
Frank isn’t sure about going through all the trouble, but Charlie poses a situation where when Frank will surely get a stroke or heart attack in the next few years, Dennis and Dee will probably easily pull the plug on him. But not Charlie! He’ll keep him alive.
As they walk out, they run in to Dennis and Maureen who just got married! “What is wrong with you!?!” Frank asks. The newlyweds walk off, but what probably concerns Frank most…
“Did you smell her breath? It smelled like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.”
Back at the apartment, Dennis is telling Mac about the marriage, telling him he’s having feelings again. Mac doesn’t understand…
“I have feelings every single day of my life.”
Dennis says he’s built up a shell around himself that has only been broken by marriage. Now Dennis needs Mac to move out and tells him that everything in the apartment belongs to him and not Mac.
Oh, and Dennis has to drop Mac off of the family cell phone plan.
Charlie and Frank go to visit Carmen at the gym to ask about gay marriage, specifically if they got married, who would be the man and who would be the woman in that situation.
Carmen says neither would be the woman because they’re both men! Charlie realizes this is what Frank was hesitant about.
“I’m not going to get my dick cut off and sold to China!”
But Charlie reassures him…
“We would be two cool, straight dudes married together!”
Frank likes the idea now. “Two cool married dudes… not gay!”
And one final question for Carmen… “Did they really sell your dick to China?
Mac barges in on Dee in her robe and holding two beers. He admits to her that he was wrong and that everyone should get married to whoever they want. Oh, I’m not going to marry you, Dee says in disgust. (Hehe and congratulations to Rob McElhenney and Kaitlin Olson welcoming a baby boy to the world!)
Mac says he’d rather get shot in the face. What he means to say is he’s moving in with her! She begins gagging, which makes Mac start gagging. He can’t take it and heads to the bathroom but then stumbles on a naked Bill Ponderosa in bed. Oh.
Dennis is heading out to meet the guys, but Maureen thought they were going to watch a movie tonight, together on their wedding night. He says she can do it on her own and suggests Lethal Weapon 5 which the gang made together.
Dennis doesn’t want to spend the night with her and is even more turned off by her kitty cat sweater with jewels and flowers. She wants to be comfy and current.
She boops him on the nose and wants to make fish sticks. Dennis sees her dead tooth.
Maybe getting married wasn’t such a good idea.
Well, it is great to have It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia back as always. While this may not have been one of the more epic episodes, it was still funny and just an awesome feeling hanging out with the gang again.
Can’t wait for the rest of the season!