Leave it to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia to Give Us the Kitten Mittons™ and the D**ktowel

Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens
Image via Ohnotheydidnt

Missed the episode or just want to watch it again? Download it now on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Season 5. And also check out www.dicktowel.com and get your own Dicktowel today!

The Gang has just submitted another entry into pop culture-dom. After Dayman here’s comes the DICKTOWEL!

And to think Charlie’s Kitten Mittons would be the best part of the episode. Hilarity ensues of course and this episode continues Sunny‘s awesome season.


Charlie shows the Gang his commercial for his new product, Kitten Mittons! There’s a merchandising convention in town and Charlie’s going to pitch his invention that’ll make quieter cats.

Dee sees potential in the kitten mittens and merchandising Paddy’s. She signed a contract with the guys that gives her 100% of the merchandising rights to Paddy’s. She takes the contract out of a drawer below the register to show them, but Mac grabs it and eats it. Nullified? She’s going to a lawyer to make sure. Charlie decides to go with her to make sure he’ll patent the mittens so as not to allow the guys to steal his idea.

This gives them their own ideas for possible Paddy’s merchandising. Frank suggests hard boiled eggs for the office desk or the dashboard. They think he’s a moron.

Dee and Charlie go to their favorite lawyer who has probably gotten enough of them these last few years.

Attorney: “How did you guys get in here?”
Dee: “The old fashioned way with doors and feet and walking.”

Charlie's experience with attorneying comes in handy during the meeting.
“Then I’ll just regress because I feel like I’ve made myself sound perfectly redundant.”

At the apartment, Dennis is wearing a Paddy’s thong, an idea for guys that come into the bar to buy for their ladies because it is a turn on when girls wear ’em.
“I’m not wearing these because I’m comfortable, I’m wearing them because I want to turn you awn!”

Now Mac presents his own idea. Everyone loves comedy. With his back to Dennis, he wraps a towel around himself. It has a man’s ass drawn on it. Dennis loves it, college kids will eat it up. But wait! Mac turns around and BOOM it’s a dick… a large one… very long. But hold on again. Mac flips to the other side of the towel. Oh, it’s a “baby dick.” They think they’ve got an awesome idea.
“We’ll do black ones and yellow ones for the Asians.”

Mac’s already set up a website: dicktowel.com. Just then, Frank comes in with his idea, joined by a big breasted woman. He’s waving his pistol around, tells Mac to open his mouth bitch, “Prepare to be blasted bitch!”, and introduces his product… a gun that shoots liquor into people’s mouths.
Mac: “So this is your plan? You’re going to go into the convention waving a gun in people’s faces, throwing tequila in everybody’s eyes with a big titted woman?”

Frank says Suck on this bitches! and shows them the Paddy’s Pub stress ball. Dennis squeezes it. It was a just an egg, a jumping off point. They tell him to leave. But gunshot idea is awesome though, they’ll steal it.

Dee and Charlie are now staking out the lawyer. They’re in a car at a motel where they suspect he’s having an affair. They’ll use that info to blackmail him into providing legal services.

While waiting, Charlie finds a woman that just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!
Dee: “Did you say an entire sleeve though? That’s A LOT of cookies. She a big lady?”
Charlie: “Of course, she’s a humungous lady.”

The lawyer comes walking towards them in the car. They try to hide, but he gets in. It’s his car. They had waited outside all night, it got cold, so they went inside his car.
“We’re going to blackmail you for your services.”
He explains he’s not having an affair, but he and his wife are getting a divorce and he has to sleep in the motel.

Back to Dennis and Mac. They’re getting their shotgun idea to work, but it doesn’t. They decide to just make a video to show at the convention and let the Chinese geniuses figure out the technology.

Frank’s back with the big boobed lady. He’s angry they’re trying to steal his idea, but they say they’re just tweaking it.
Frank: “I’m going to get a patent for this and sue your balls off.”

Meanwhile, Dee and Charlie bring Sandy, a lady of the night, to the attorney to help get his mind off of his wife and maybe be enough to pay for legal services.

Dennis and Mac walk in with “a freakish whore” with even bigger boobs than Frank’s girl or Sandy combined. They’re going to throw a patent on the “busty chick” and other things… Charlie and Dee explain the situation.

Dee: “He’s all broken up about it. She left him probably because he cheated on her, I’m guessing because look what a cold bitch she is. It’s a mess.”
Charlie: “She was mean to him. He’s been crying.”

Dennis offers a favor: “I tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I’m going to toss a frame bang your way, now here’s how that works. I sleep into your house one night while your wife is sleeping and I ease into her real nice. That way you’re both cheating on each other and she can’t clean you out.”

Now Frank comes in, girl in toe and they all start arguing about stealing the busty idea. The attorney can’t take it anymore. He offers to take care of their legal needs as long as they never seek his legal advice ever again and that Dennis not break into his house and rape his wife.

First, he suggests Dee drop her suit against the guys and take 50% of the merchandising. Mac agrees and tells Dennis he’ll just eat the contract later. Next, Mac says he wants to patent Paddy’s shotgun and “this very large breasted woman who is going to be shooting the gun into your face.”

“Objection” Frank yells, “Sustained” Charlie responds, “Frank, move to strike!”
Frank takes out his gun, “Open your mouth!” aims at the attorney, but Mac moves his arm away, instead Frank fires the gun at the picture of the attorney’s wife and the gun actually has a bullet in it. A tequila bullet, which Frank thinks he put too much gunpowder in.

The attorney suggests they just use both guns. They like the idea. “Two guns! Six boobs! We’re all on the same team.”

At the convention, the Gang shows their video pitching their idea.
The video starts and what do we have here? It’s the video Mac, Charlie, and Frank tried to make in the season 3 “Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire” episode when they were trying to get famous. It then cuts to their commercial of sorts. Big breasted ladies provocatively playing with guns, Frank getting shot in the mouth with water, plus dicktowel.com, a nudie pen of Dennis and Frank… “EGG!”
The video ends with Dennis shooting water at the camera, “GET BLASTED!” a Blue Angels airshow and then back to the original video on the tape, Frank putting out Sweet Dee who is in flames after running into the burning building trying to save the kittens.

The video didn’t look too good, they admit but Charlie and Dee are having better luck. They got investors for the Kitten Mittons. Right behind them though is the attorney who asks “How much am I going to make?” It turns out they all blindly signed a contract that gives the attorney 100% of the profits from any merchandising from Paddy’s as well as Kitten Mittons which he owns. The contract also has a restraining order.

He shows the Gang the contract, which Mac stuffs in his mouth to the cheers of the rest of the Gang, but the attorney says he has hundreds of copies of it.

The episode ends, the Gang foiled once again.

But on a serious note, the show pays tribute to David Zdunich who has passed away. He played “Ernie” whom I swear I’ve seen in the background numerous times.

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