It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 7.03 – Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties (And He’s Not a Diddler!)

Frank comes running into Paddy’s. He trips and breaks his nose, but he’s got a bigger problem. He tells the Gang that he made a deal to finance a beauty pageant with some guy at a tittie bar and now he’s in deep shit after the guy hit on one of the contestants. The Gang doesn’t really see what the big deal is until in walks two little girls in swimsuits and high heels.


They go into the office. Mac says child pageants are horrible since parents force their kids into getting paraded around as sex objects. But Dee says she had lots of fun joining pageants as a kid… and winning ’em too, even though her mom told her not to waste her time. Charlie adds that child pageants are an “essential part of the American fabric.” They actually should dress up their kids, just “to show others that we can.”

This is what America is all about, freedom. The Gang gets inspired and are now going to go all America on child beauty pageants’ asses. They chant… “USA! USA! USA!”

The contestants and their parents are now gathered at Paddy’s. Dee reels in Frank who tries a too hard to convince the audience he’s not a diddler. Meanwhile, the guys are writing a song for the pageant and plan to take part.

Later, in walks Walter, a man from the so-called “Family Association for the Protection of Children.” He approaches Dee, who sees where this could possibly be going so she pins everything on Frank.

While Frank goes to lay down and fix his face, Charlie rehearses with the contestants, but he can’t take some of them being “amateurs” and “trash” on his “stage.” Little Samantha is doing well though.

The Gang buys the contestants pizza. Dee goes to talk to Samantha, but Samantha won’t have any of it. She insults Dee and rolls her eyes at her. Dee won’t have any of this either. She goes to talk Samantha’s older sister Justine. She tries to persuade Justine to compete in the pageant, but she tells Dee that her mother says she’s too ugly to join.

“Your mom doesn’t know dick! She’s a dumb fat cow and your sister… she’s a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch.”

Dee successfully “pushes” Justine into competing.

Mac wheezes as he eats his pizza and the three guys notice the one boy who’s in the pageant. They wonder how he’s there against his will, but the boy walks up to them asking if they want to see his dance. And it’s a fabulous performance.

It’s the night of the pageant. Walter the child “protector” is sitting in the front row as the audience piles in.

Frank comes in looking like a maked-up clown corpse and he admits he just got his face done at a funeral home since they know how to fix up busted faces. He brings the mortician along too. Artemis pops in, she’s in charge of the sound tonight.

And it’s now time for the show to start, the Gang pumps themselves up… for the Opening Number! Mac, Dee and Dennis back-up an original song performance by Charlie. The girls (and boy) come out and Frank fumbles his way through the intro.

The girls perform their talents and now it’s Justine’s turn who’ll perform with Dee. But really, it’s Dee who performs a song about ugly, stupid moms. She throws a picture of her (dead!) mom into the trash.

Next up, it’s the little boy. The guys back him up and he performs, shirt open, drawn abs and all to a techno-rave-remix of Yankee Doodle. It’s uncomfortable.

But it gets worse. As the mortician helps Frank touch up, Frank’s mic gets turned on just as he’s asking about morticians banging dead bodies. The guy says no, but Frank says that’s okay. He doesn’t give a shit if even if he gets a “stew” made in his ass. He’s dead anyway.

Artemis has no idea how to work the sound board and the Gang hurries to try and turn the mic off, but it’s too late. Frank comes running out trying to save face.

“The kids are great. I love the kids. Not in a sexual way! No, I was married 20 years and she was a bitch, but she was old and I never had a problem getting it up with her.”

Frank tells Artemis to play some music, but the crowd is not having it. Suddenly, the cops come barging into the hall. They go to arrest… Walter. He’s actually a diddler they’ve been looking for a long time.

The Gang decides to just leave, but not until they declare a winner… Samantha.

Episode Thoughts
Great episode! Funniest of the season so far. And I’ve always loved the less over-the-top episodes of Sunny rather than the high concept episodes. (Yes, Sunny has high concepts.)

The real diddler was pretty obvious from the beginning. But that climax wasn’t necessarily the highlight of the episode (as it usually is on Sunny actually). The Gang comes up with another original song that’ll get stuck in my head forever. (And I don’t mind.) Artemis drops by and it bears repeating how awesome it is how Sunny has a pretty “deep bench” (contrary to what Mac said) of characters that can be pulled and plopped into any story imaginable.

Overall, it was a hilarious, fun episode. But the one thing I think they dropped the ball on; that lone guy in the pageant. Maybe they didn’t want to play up the gay angle (and for all we know, he isn’t gay, just really into pageants, which is definitely possible), but after Curb Your Enthusiam‘s own hilarious scene stealing little boy, I guess I was expecting a little more from Sunny, who definitely doesn’t shy away from things, right?

A detailed recap is nice and all, but you know what’s even better? Actually watching the full episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!
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